Horoscopes for Babies, January 2020

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Your time is now, Aquarius Baby, and the world is your oyster. Whether you’re seeking a promotion from Bumbo to highchair, or negotiating an additional night feeding, the key is to dress for the job you want and command respect. Look sharp and avoid painting yourself with pureed squash, even though it feels amazing. Eyes on the prize, Aquarius Baby. Eyes on the prize.

Lucky number: 18
Lucky color: sunwashed teal


Pisces
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20

Relationships are complicated this month, Pisces Baby, and you’ll find arguments at every turn. Your parents claim to know what’s best for you, and yet they continue to put socks over your hands and lay you on your back. Your older siblings treat you like a baby and keep all their toys just out of your reach. The bad news is, you won’t change their minds. The good news is, you’ll choose their nursing homes someday.

Lucky number: 22
Lucky color: sunwashed cherry


Aries
Mar. 21 - Apr. 19

New year, new you, Aries Baby, and this year is all about reaching for more. Reach for more grandma. Reach for more stuffed animals. Reach for more sunglasses and long earrings. Reach for more table runners. Reach for anything and everything up on the countertop. Never stop reaching. Except at naptime.

Lucky number: 3
Lucky color: lemonade


Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

It’s not all about you all the time, Taurus Baby, and this month you really feel it. You’re used to feeling like an A-list celebrity, but this month will require you to take on more supporting roles. Don’t worry, you’re still a Meryl Streep. You’re just Meryl Streep in Little Women this month. Stay strong and Meryl on.

Lucky number: 67
Lucky color: vintage blue

Gemini
May 21 - June 20

No point hiding your emotions this month, Gemini Baby, for you are an open book. Embrace it and you will control your own narrative. You love Mom, but you don’t love her homemade kale popsicles. Grandpa is lovely, but his newly dyed beard is terrifying. These are facts. Own your opinions and earn your reputation as a straight shooter. 

Lucky number: 7
Lucky color: flamingo


Cancer
June 21 - July 22

It’s a month to confront your fears, Cancer Baby, starting with public speaking. Practice alone in your crib at dawn and refuse to think twice before delivering your speech at the family party when Aunt Carol asks, “Who’s getting so big?!” The world wants to hear from you and the rewards will be ample.

Lucky number: 43
Lucky color: watermelon


Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You’re coming into your own, Leo Baby, and the world is noticing. Maybe it is your command of the word, “MINE!” or the intimidating placement of your doorway bouncy seat, but people are deferring to you in a way they haven’t before. Try not to let it go to your head. Remember that with great power comes great responsibility.

Lucky number: 15
Lucky color: rose


Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

You’ve been itching for a getaway, Virgo Baby, and this month will take you places: a museum, the dog park, something called “brunch.” Keep your cool and the invitations will keep flowing. Blow it and you’ll be branded a killjoy, so think twice before you pull that beet salad off the table and into the purse on the floor.

Lucky number: 58
Lucky color: tangerine

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

You’re sending a lot of mixed signals, Libra Baby, and it’s time to look in the mirror. Do you actually want up or down? Are you hungry or not? You act tired, yet shriek at the sight of your crib each afternoon. Until you take some time to do some self-reflection, everyone is going to be disappointed and confused. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

Lucky number: Honestly, who knows?
Lucky color: pool


Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Life is a series of trust falls, Scorpio Baby, and it’s time to lean back. Although your instincts say otherwise, your parents actually will retrieve you from your crib. Your favorite blankie isn’t being eaten alive by the washing machine, it’s being cleaned. Being handed over to Dad’s friend Pete at the party does not mean you live with Pete now. No need to cry. Get a grip.

Lucky number: 73
Lucky color: olive

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Aging comes for all of us, Sagittarius Baby, and there’s no getting around it. Your body is round in places it used to be flat. Your gorgeous gummy smile is filling with oversized teeth. The curls you donned before your haircut will never return. Embrace the beauty in each change and avoid petty jealousies with younger babies. Your wisdom and experience is radiant.

Lucky number: 38
Lucky color: spruce

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Bathtubs are where it’s at this month, Capricorn Baby, and you are here for it. You’ve graduated from the ridiculously public kitchen sink baths to bonafide 15”-deep porcelain in the actual bath-room, complete with bubble goatees, floating ducks wearing sunglasses, and water the temperature of a perfect bottle of milk. This is a big milestone and should be celebrated as such. Go ahead, pee a little. You’ve earned it.

Lucky number: 9
Lucky color: hyacinth